Return of the freak

Well good people if Roman Holiday is an example of a movie blessed by perfection at every level then truly Troll 2 is the complete opposite. It is bad on all levels. And yet it is so bad ; so how the heck was this made and not destroyed after screening with execs bad , I can't help but love it. While most normal people would be put off by the film ; and for good reason , any film buff can appreciate this masterpiece. I guarantee when you finish watching it you will be left with so many questions that you'll have to watch it again.




Where to begin ? As many will point out the most striking fact to jump out is there are no trolls in Troll 2 ! Not one ; not a mention , nothing. Moving forward we start the movie with Josh being read a story about goblins by his Grandfather Seth . As he tells the story we get to see the goblins in all there 5th grader designed glory in broad daylight chasing down the hero to some snazzy synth music. Normally if you were a good director and have a poorly designed creature you keep it off camera and in the shadows as much as possible. Luckily this director was not a good director so we don't see glimpses of the cheesy goblins we see them out in the open and often during the entire film. Moving on ; the goblin queen tricks the hero of the story into eating a runny green substance . I know I'd do the same thing. But wait ; it was a trick . We see green Kool-Aid pooring from beneath the hero's suave hat and learn from grandpa he is to be turned into a vegetable. Yes the goblins are vegetarians. Before we learn more Josh's mom comes in and it is then we learn that Grandpa Seth is dead. Which is about what I would call the mother's acting chops. Willam Shatner has nothing on her.
After the initial shock of the mother's acting you think surely it can't get worse than this. No my friends , it does. Not 10 seconds later we meet Joshua's sister Holly and hands down the absolute worst actress I have seen on any level and that includes kindergarten plays. She's your typical 80's teen ;though the film came out in 1990 another thing to note. We see her working out when her "beau" as he is referred to in the movie enters into her window as she is lifting weights. I am from the south and we have not used the term beau for boyfriend in a long time. I will not ruin the awesomeness of her lines but in short she implies he is gay and when his friends peer in through the window questions are raised. Particularly when one comments on her curtains. Moving ahead to the next scene we see the father for the first time as he tells someone on the phone he and his family are going to Nilbog for a vacation. In a film of horrible acting I find it strange the best actor was actually a dentist ; the one and only George Hardy. Don't get me wrong Gregory Peck is not but to me he gave the best attempt at we call acting.


So the family heads to Nilbog for a house swap . Unbeknownst to Holly , her boyfriend and his boys also head there in their RV in hopes of scoring with the Nilbog girls. Skipping ahead a bit ; I don't want to spoil the whole movie for you. Josh is face with a dilemma his family is about to eat food all covered in a strange green substance . I can understand how all of them wouldn't take notice ; I always eat my corn with green frosting on it . Anyway as they prepare to bite down Grandpa Seth appears to Joshua ; though he is dead he does this often and with increasing power I might add. Someow he can control time and freezes the family in place this gives Joshua 3o seconds to do something . So of course he knocks the food out of their hands right ? Not exactly . No to quote his father "you can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT! ". So when he reaches for his belt of course he is going to give Joshua the beating of his life right? Umm no ....instead again to quote the father he's "Tightnening my belt one loop so that I feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua . You wanna get rough with me ? You wanna show me that you don't like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike ? Well I'll accept the challenge . But just remember when I was your age I really did suffer from hunger . We'll see who gets through this , but remember I've got more practice than you . I'll see you tomorrow." When you see Hardy's delivery of the line ; straight-faced and with sincerity you'll understand why I consider him the best actor in the lot .
Well I will leave y'all with that image in y'alls head for now . In the conclusion of my review of Troll 2 I will introduce you to the best character in the entire movie . Creedence Leonore Gielgud of ancient driud origins ; I'm not making it up that is how she introduces herself to strangers . Oh the fun has just begun my friends so if you can't wait run out and rent a copy . I'm telling you this movie is real .